Ghosts of the Memories
by Sweet Darkling
Summary: Possibly the start of a series of non-chronological drabbles in Derek's point of view. Takes place in Series 3, ep 5 - when Addison tells Derek she'd stayed with Mark...how does Derek feel? T for potential language. Please read and review! MerDer Addek


**Author's note****: **My first fanfiction in the world of Grey's Anatomy. I haven't decided whether to leave this as a one-shot or make it into a series of non-chronological drabbles from Derek's point of view. It's all up in the air. I got the idea for this from when I was watching the bit when Addison told Derek that she has stayed with Mark for a couple of months rather than just the night or two. Please review this – it's the only way I know I'd doing something right or something wrong.

* * *

Ghosts of the Memories

Her words feel permanently branded into his brain, mocking him and taunting him to distraction. It takes him a few more seconds to realise that he couldn't even imagine Addison's face anymore. Her voice had more than overshadowed her physical features; it had taken over her entire essence and being. When he thought of Addison, he didn't think of her smirk or her eyes or her hair. All he can come up with are her words, telling him that she had stayed with Mark.

He feels his nails digging into his palms and it occurs to him then that he's clenching his hands into a fist, and he wonders why he is doing that. What would that achieve? It then occurred to him that this question implied that he was trying to achieve something but that was clearly absurd. He was just angry. He was _beyond_ angry and more in the region of livid and furious. And he was also a little angry.

Addison _stayed _with Mark. No, wait. That was wrong. She _lived _with him. She lived with Mark before she caught him in bed with someone else and then she came here to get him back. It made him all the more furious that she came here and pretended to try and win him back. She only came back to lick her wounds, really. He feels a sense of vicious jubilation, malicious triumph at the thought that she caught Mark in bed with someone else. Unfortunately, this didn't seem to translate into any outward signs of satisfaction. His lips refused to twitch upwards, even minutely, seemingly numbed by the bombshell Addison had dropped on him, and now, he was back to feeling angry. If anything, he felt a little emptier after that surge of cruel victory.

He realises that his feet had carried him towards the lift, and now, he was impatiently waiting for it to arrive, shifting from one foot to another. The only problem was that he couldn't remember where he was originally going or who he was going to see. He decides that perhaps it might be best for him to go to his office – at least it would give him time to calm down and not attack someone innocent. Addison he wouldn't mind hurting, but he didn't think he retained any ability to hurt her. If being with Meredith couldn't hurt her, what was left at his disposal? He already had used verbal assault with negligible effect.

The doors to the lift opened, and there was Meredith. He felt a warm, soothing sensation pass through him, rubbing away some of the more painful stabs that Addison had inflicted on him. He wanted to fall into her arms but he didn't quite trust himself yet. In the state that he was in, he would probably hurt her, emotionally if not physically. She spoke and the words swept over him, numbing the aggravated threads of torturous misery that Addison had left, in the wake of her confession.

Words ran through his mind. Bitch; Slut; Whore; Satan; none were adequate. Combined, they still fell short to describe the travesty that was Addison. She was a mistake. She was the worst mistake in his life. She was a terrible mistake that left him with eleven wasted years with nothing but misery and heartache and now, a sweeping numbness.

He couldn't be with Meredith yet; he could still feel himself reeling from Addison. He could feel his mind processing – or attempting to process – the news. How does someone live with Mark and then come back here and pretend that they were the victim? How could she let him feel guilt over the end of the relationship? How could she? How could she? _HowcouldsheHowcouldsheHowcouldshe_...the words ran into one another, making sense and no sense all in one go.

Mumbling something to Meredith, he left, although it felt more like he was leaving Addison rather than leaving Meredith. Tingles on the back of his neck indicated where Addison's poison remained, tormenting him with her venomous admissions, mocking him. She always mocked him. Often with a smirk, a glint in her eyes and the words would drop from her lips. She usually softened her smirk into a smile, thereby robbing the mockery of its insult and leaving the remnants of a shared joke. But that hadn't been a joke. If it was one...well, it was one hell of a cruel joke.

He felt sick as he realised that he wanted to hurt her. He wanted her to suffer and feel the shock and humiliation of finding out that nothing was how she had imagined it to be. He wanted her reality to be stripped away, leaving bare truths that she didn't know existed and didn't want to face. In this moment, he hated her. He hated her with every essence of his being. Every single thought and every single movement of every single one of his cells and every single breath was screaming a sweet symphony of hatred.

And so, his day continued. He talked, he walked, and he acted almost completely like himself. He wondered who was fooled by his act. His wild imagination found her cackling with wicked glee, seeing past his act without even trying. Maybe it wasn't his imagination. Maybe she was cackling at him. He wouldn't put it past her – she bloody stayed with Mark for months! She was capable of any infamy.

The day was over and her words still felt branded into his brain, his memory. He was away from her, finally. He had escaped her physically. Emotionally, it was a different story entirely. He felt contaminated by her; like she was a contagious disease and he had become infected. It was time for him to sleep but sleep seemed too far away to grasp. He lay his head down on the pillow, and almost felt her words tumbling past one another in his head. He closed his eyes and could picture the words mocking him.

Although sleep had never seemed so far away, he found himself drifting towards it before he consciously realised it. It was mere moments before he did fall asleep that he wondered...why did he care? Why did it bother him that Addison had stayed with Mark for months instead of a couple of nights? But then sleep took over, and her words were laid to rest from conscious memory.

* * *

**Author's note****: **What did you think? It had really struck me how strong Derek's reaction to Addison had been, because, after all, the opposite of love isn't hatred. It's indifference. So it just really surprised me that Derek would get this annoyed about Addison having stayed with Mark (especially when he was always ignored her and moved on from her to Meredith and all). It just seemed very...unexpected. (I admit to preferring Derek/Addison to Derek/Meredith though, so it could just be wishful thinking.) Anyway, please please please review! Only way of knowing whether it's good or whether it's rubbish!


End file.
